compassion

You know those moments that make you realize you’re getting off track?

Yesterday was full of them.

Small moments - mishaps - that are easy enough to write off. Events that alone probably wouldn’t be all that insidious, but when they accumulate, completely overwhelm your physical, mental, and emotional capacities?

I know that I am good at recognizing, and offering all that I am able, when I notice someone else experiencing this. However, when I am in the thick of it, I feel like I enter into this unspoken competition with myself. How much can I withstand? More. How many times can I swallow that lump in my throat, hide my tears, and keep going? As many times as I need to. I tell myself that whatever “it” is I’m experiencing, isn’t a good enough reason for me to stop. I can keep going.

But why? How many times do small things need to accumulate until I am completely overwhelmed, disassociated or hurt? Why is listening to the feeling in my body, that tells me I’ve had enough, so hard to honor? Why does it feel easier to push through until I *cannot*, instead of just saying that I *will not*?

Perhaps having the decision made for me, by accident or design, is easier than taking personal responsibility and making a choice.

I have to realize that I am not a problem, a burden, or unreliable for making a decision to take care of myself. If I want to show up as a whole, healthy, and happy person, I have to make decisions that support me in being able to do so. Sometimes that looks and feels like I’m failing, but that is not the Truth. Every time I honor my needs and limits, I get a step closer to healing the parts of me that need tenderness, compassion, and understanding.

For as much as I can give those to others, I have to remember to give them to myself, too.