preparing

At the start of the new year, I shared a post about what 2022 had taught me, and ended with the fact that although it was technically the “new year,” I didn’t feel as though I was ready to come out of hiding yet. I told you I’d see you at the Spring Equinox, and here I am, popping my head out to say hello.


The first few months of this year have felt like the idle time it takes to warm your car up on a frigid morning. You can’t scrape frost off the windshield when it’s too cold to even stand outside. You can’t blast the heat when the system is still cold. You can’t rev the engine and expect the car to move without stalling. Impatience, the pressure to move forward, to get somewhere (anywhere!) is something I’ve tried to curb my need for in these most recent years.

What I’ve realized, though, is that there is a difference between waiting and preparing. Since 2020, it has kind of felt like all I was doing was waiting. What exactly I was waiting for, I couldn’t tell you, but it allowed me to take a lot more space and time for myself, to ponder, to witness, to hermit, at times to disappear, but ultimately…to heal.

However, these last couple months have felt like a significant shift towards preparing. What exactly I’ve been preparing for? Also couldn’t tell you! But I’ve become a lot more certain of what I want to feel, where I want to be, what I want to do, be recognized for, and experience in my life.

I can admit that in my “waiting,” I was hoping for these things I desired to just…find me. The tropes of “what’s meant for you will find you!” reverberating in my head daily. But in that phase of waiting - allowing the shedding of an old version of Self - I’ve realized that it was the precursor to the preparation I’ve been in as of late. And while what I’m preparing for isn’t exactly clear, I have a deep sense of calm, readiness, excitement, and a grounded trust that I’ll know it when it comes.

Happy Vernal Equinox, babes. This car has officially been warmed up.