reconnection

I’m not sad Broadway has been shutdown for a year.

Without it, I’m not sure I would have realized just how disconnected I was from my most basic and fundamental needs. I’m not sure I would have realized, certainly not confronted, why I placed my value as a person, in what I did for work. I’m not sure I would have realized how sad I was, and the fragility of the foundation supporting me. I’m not sure I would have realized just how exhausted and broken my physical, mental and emotional body was. I’m not sure I would have realized how much joy, satisfaction and ease I desired to feel in my life, and how little of it I was actually experiencing.

They weren’t lying when they said this career wasn’t for the faint of heart. It’s true, there is an enormous amount of compromise required. But when does compromise turn into less of a negotiation and more of a sacrifice of self?

I can only speak for myself, but I know this isn’t an experience that is specific to me. Perhaps, when you’re surrounded by people who are also physically injured and struggling to get through 8 shows a week, it seems normal to push through debilitating pain. Perhaps, when you’re surrounded by people who are also struggling with their mental health, wiping the tears that are streaming down your face as you hear “places,” seems like a normal way to start the show. Perhaps, when you’re surrounded by people who are also running on fumes, headphones and disconnection seems like a normal way to associate.

I accepted what this career demanded of me a long time ago. However, I allowed it to take more from me than it ever demanded I give it. The Broadway Shutdown offered me the time and space I didn’t know I needed, and allowed me to renegotiate the terms of our agreement. When Broadway returns, I hope the new foundation I’ve built for myself will support me in ways that allow my heart, mind and body to flourish. I no longer believe, consciously or unconsciously, that my success in this industry comes at the expense of my health or happiness. I believe that my success comes from, and compounds because of, my commitment to my own satisfaction and joy.